AMILY FEUDS. ANOTHER PROBLEM WHICH EMERGES AND TAKES SIGNIFICANCE IS,AS TO HOW HAND OVER ONE'S ORGANISATION TO HIS/HER SON/S AND WHOM TO GIVE CONTROLLING POWER. ....... answer. 1. give to one who is capable to own and handle 2. also the one who is willing 3. decide the transitional period to train and/or let the concerned one to acquire capabilities and confidence 4. father/parents in the transitional period need to decide what they will engage in after retirement 5. trust the son, avoid feedback from loyals etc, 6. give views and advice if asked for 7. decide in no control at all, and if solicited, hold the least only advisory position and decide not to criticise even if some decisions do not go father's/mother's way 8. if the son feels uncomfortable, better to stop in goodwill and faith. 9. must believe his/her son is adult and is capable enough to handle the affairs as he likes, believe in no interference and ill-will even if he commits some mistakes and incurs losses 10. HENCE RETIREMENT MUST BE TOTAL AND ADVICE IS GIVEN IF SOLICITED. ..... FURTHER IF THERE ARE MORE SONS, AND ALL WANT TO HOLD THE SAME ORGANISATION. answer. if there is complete understanding between brothers, all should work in the same business and to divide responsibilities as they decide 2. if it does not happen, then to devise on supplementary activities for others 3. if this does not work out, to discuss and give the desired and necessary funds to the rest to do what they want to do with. MOST MPORTANT. parents must not impose their business if no one agrees to take over AND MUST LEAVE EACH ONE TO MAKE ONES OWN CHOICE AND ALLOW EACH ONE TO MOVE ON FREELY AND INDEPENDENTLY. tks   BEFORE I ATTEMPT FAMILY CONFLIFTS, IT IS ESSENTIAL TO START FROM THE COUPLE AS TO HOW THEY, BEFORE MARRIAGE, MAKE A GOO CHOICE. (1) each one needs to analyse one's qualities and defects and jot these down (b) to divide these defects into optional, adjustable and not changeable at all. (3) optional will get easily eliminated, adjustable will happen with a desired good choice, not changeable shall remain the focus in meeting the choicesin personal contacts and look to compatibility (4) at times, even not changeable could be overlooked if the desired would-be partner attracts by her contact, wisdom, well thought over replies, frank and honest behaviour, adjustability, calm and patient attitude and maneouveribility and MOST IMPORTANT AT TIMES TURNS OUT THE DESIRED BEAUTY. (5) in making choice for beauty, one needs to decide whether one is looking for INNER beauty or EXTERNAL beauty (6) external beauty comparatively will be temporary and costly affair while internal beauty will be long lasting which will be appreciated by the concerned person and maybe criticised and depreciated by friends, relations and foes. (7) once tentative decision is made, and trial periods to understand each other , one needs to pivot on and continue analysing what one wishes for and feels as essentials (8) must judge by frequent contacts and meetings by raising questions which one feels are essential to know the personality of the other person and also to find how the other person reacts, appreciates or retorts in behaviour and/or in reply (9) to make up one's mind whether overall one is inclined to go ahead with relationship despite some weaknesses and/or unadjustable attitudes and behaviour and WHETHER ONE HIMSELF/HERSELF CAN COPE WITH BY CHANGING ONESELF AND NOT IMPOSING ON THE OTHER. (10) once this choice is made, do ensure meeting respective families and see how easy or difficult their behaviour and relationship seems to be (11) at times there may be resistance, if so, how to go about, to abandon the idea of relationship or go ahead despite negative attitude of one or both the families. (12) if decision is taken despite resistance from one or both families, must understand that THEIR LOVE SHALL REMAIN THE PRIMEMOST DESPITE ALL ODDS AND DIFFICULTIES.(13) to understand nothing is perfect, but initial steps as suggested above are the minimum essentials to arrive at a decision but MUST UNDERSTAND THAT IN RELATIONSHIP, adjustment communication, honesty, love for each other in reciprocity etc. etc. are essentials (12) to ensure that all goes through well, the HUSBAND WILL HAVE TO GIVE PRIORITY TO WIFE AND ENSURE BY ALL MEANS THAT SHE REMAINS HAPPY, LOVES AND ENJOYS THE RELATIONSHIP (13) last but not the least, if things do not work out as one wishes, THE HUSBAND MUST LEARN TO CHANGE HIMSELF THAN EXPECT WIFE TO DO SO, be sure his overtures will bring in more results than those expected from the wife, as wife as woman is much more sentimental and emotional and gets along more easily and more quickly than the man (14) husband as a man needs to be DECISION MAKER (15) both needs to understand and learn to abandon their habits and manners of ENTIRE FREEDOM and be ready to accommodate and adjust as best as suitable to each other. I think if such steps are taken, relationship between the desiring soul-mates .will result in to be most CONGENIAL , HAPPY AND LOVELY RELATIONSHIP.     FAMILY PROLEMS. 4th step: IT RELATES TO RETURN TO HUSBAND'S HOUSE BY THE COUPLE. to be frank enough it is the most CRUCIAL time for the wife as in the meantime the husband's family would have discussed and made up their mind as to how to deal with the daughter in-law, if reconciled, THE BETTER and if not, it gets a tough time for the girl(wife). (2) it gets better if the HUSBAND opts to intervene and take side of the wife, and takes to communicate, explain to parents and other family members that it is BETTER TO RECONCILE AS OTHERWISE THEY MAY RISK TO LOSE HIM IF HE DECIDES TO MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE (3) better if the husband sticks to the commitments made amongst each other at the time of honeymoon and if not, the situation is likely to get worst and in most of the cases it happens this way as the husband out of respect and also not giving too much liberty to the wife, opts to explain to wife and persuade her, which in general gets IMPOSSIBLE AS THE WIFE FEELS THAT SHE IS BEING RESTRAINED FOR NO REASON OR FAULT OF HER AND THAT THE HUSBAND FOR WHOM SHE HAS LEFT HER HOUSE, FAMILY AND FRIENDS, IF HE DOES NOT CARE FOR HER, WHOM ELSE SHE HAS TO ADDRESS HER GRIEVANCES AND DISTRESS. (4) herefrom start arguments and conflicts and if none reconciles and if the HUSBAND TAKES SIDE WITH HIS FAMILY, worst gets unavoidable (5) it also gets worst when the attitude of the husband changes from courting before marriage to commanding after marriage because of gender bias, wife's helplessness and/or the feel that he is a man and as such wife is to accept all and in the manner he wants. PLAUSIBLE ANSWER AND SOLUTION which I can imagine and visualise workable lies in the fact: I WILL ADVISE THE GIRL(WIFE) to take to patience, tolerance, to believe that her unhappiness will hurt her family, etc. etc and MOST IMPORTANT IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT SHE BEARS WITH IT UNTIL SHE GETS A CHILD PREFERABLY A SON, KEEPING IN VIEW THE INDIAN FAMILIES ASPIRATION AND TRADITION, soon as she will get a son, she will generally be loved and taken care of by the in-laws including the mother in-law as the love and attention of the entire family will revolve around the new born child, if son, attachment and reconciliation will be rapid and if a girl, it will take a bit more time. TOLERANCE AND PATIENCE BY THE GIRL(WIFE) IS ESSENTIAL TO BELIEVE AND BE CONVINCED THAT AS THE TIME WILL PASS, SHE WILL BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE HABITS OF HER HUSBAND AS ALSO OF FAMILY FOR NEEDS AND NECESSITIES, AND THAT ALSO TO GET CONVINCED THAT HER HARD TIME WILL BE OF 2-3 YEARS AND AFTER SHE WILL GET USED TO THE MANNER AS THE HUSBAND'S FAMILY GOES ABOUT AND ALSO THE HUSBAND WILL MELT DOWN AND GET ALONG BETTER IN LOVE, BEHAVIOUR AND ENJOYMENT. It is essential that the more she will observe the weaknesses of the husband and shall do all to overcome and give pleasure to the husband, the better will get the relationship. Further she will be able to get the experience and counsel from her parents and also around other families, that as the TIME PASSES, RELATIONS BECOME MORE OF UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE, and all goes about as the WIFE HAD ASPIRED. Hence hardest is the time of 2-3 years of patience and tolerance, thereafter slowly and gradually THE WIFE RULES ALL OVER and mostly gets accepted what she wants. tks   FAMILY PROBLEMS; 5th step. It relates to be blessed with a child or two, who is to take care, especially when husband and wife both are working, to move to a MICRO UNIT becomes a crucial and PROBLEMATIC DECISION, WITH ARGUMENTS, CONFLICTS AND IN EXTREME WITH ESTRANGED RELATIONS. DECISION AS SUCH REVOLVES AROUND (a) who to take of the children in the absence of the couple to work, maid or the grand parents (b) to get rid of daily interference by the family and creating rift amongst the couple (c) desire of the wife and consent of the husband to have peace, non-interference and freedom at large. (d) consent of the husband will come in when he feels that couple relations are getting worst as also to be away from the family to do all as per his decisions and liking as also that he has turned ADULT and the parents must understand that the sooner the best. (e) also believes that wife has a reason and that PEACE will help the couple to talk, communicate discuss and take decisions freely and all this will generate and strengthen their LOVE and AUGUR WELL FOR THE HAPPINESS AND PROGRESS. ... while taking such a decision to move out to a micro unit, WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN REMAINS A POINT OF DISCUSSION AND DECISION TAKING. When it is a joint family, care of and love for the children without any sort of worry for the couple, is accepted as a natural fact while in micro unit, leaving the child(ren) to the care of the maid gets essential as also keeps the couple with some sorts of worries etc. for the children, in particular, and for household to some extent. It is said and experience shows that BRINGING UP AND BREEDING OF CHILDREN COUNTS A LOT IN THE FUTURE LIFE OF THE CHILDREN AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PARENTS as such in order to enjoy love of the children at large, it remains a preference to live in a joint family, worriless of the care of the children and household affairs..... Conclusion: I would say it is better so long as the children have not grown to be adult and independent, TO LIVE IN JOINT FAMILY IS THE BEST ANSWER. However, it is essential to gain this advantage of care, love of children and remain worriless about household responsibilities ACCEPTANCE OF THE IN-LAWS AS THEY ARE, TOLERANCE AND CONCESSION ARE THE ONLY ANSWER FOR THE WIFE(DAUGHTER-IN-LAW). Also one needs to understand that nothing is perfect and for each and every decision, one has to ignore the disadvantage and weigh the advantages, and as such make a decision which is considered to be the best, reaping better advantages. HENCE TOLERANCE AND ACCEPTANCE BY THE WIFE/DAUGHTER IN-LAW WILL BE THE BEST ANSWER and also in the belief, when the children will grow up, they will certainly move out to a micro unit of their own, which is natural and is the case with almost each and every family. THUS CONFLICTS COULD BE AVOIDED AND IF NOT, PROBLEMS IN GENERAL CROP UP WITH NO END TO THESE, mostly as the husband does not remain inclined to move out of the house UNLESS CONVINCED THAT REMAINING IN THE HOUSE WILL NOT CONTINUE THE CONFLICTS BUT WILL INCREASE MORE AND MORE BECAUSE OF PARENTS, BROTHERS, SISTER-IN-LAWS ETC. ETC AND IN BELIEF   FAMILY PROBLEMS; 7th step: HOW TO BRING UP THE CHILDREN AS ONE WISHES; (1) the couple needs to be moral force of honesty, understanding, frank and honest communication, deliberated cohesive actions and love. Couples love and happiness is the foundation for the children to observe and learn that love and how to go along with colleagues, friends and foes is essential in life. It is said children learn at least 50% of the parents profession in their childhood by seeing, observing and by talk, discussions and decisions taken by the parents and the rest remains on their talent, struggle and goals. (2) as the children grow, all will not have the same aptitude and qualities. Parents need to observe these and need to take the concerned child to the sociologist or psyschologist and encourage the child to do what one wishes and wants to become in life. Parents must remain always the guide and motivators in what each child aims and should not force and impose on him/her. However it is essential for the parents to listen and observe what the child aims at and wants to pursue and if they think, it is not the right course, explain the consequences and if the child does not come around, let him/her do what one wishes and parents must do their best to support rather than criticise and demotivate. (3rd is the society: as the children grow, their society and friendship become most important to watch and advise the child what the parents think that such a friend and association will not be good for him/her, no interference and instead guidance should be the effort of the parents. (4) find time to check the home work of the children, and if they can help in that it is better and if not, arrange a tuition, and if they cannot afford, let the child's one or two friends to come to the house and let their child work in their company and do the home work. IN SHORT PARENTS MUST REMAIN ALWAYS ALERT AND ON THE WATCH TO SEE THE MOVEMENT OF THE CHILD, HIS/HER INTEREST IN STUDIES OR VOCATION , AND AS SUCH DO THEIR BEST TO GUIDE AND MOTIVATE. tks   FAMILY PROBLEMS 8TH STEP: couple relationship is most important for the couple as also for the children.The essentials are ... accepting and appreciating each one's qualities, no anger, no gender bias, participation in discussions and decision taking, to divide each one's roles, openness and frankness, be honest in behaviour, dealings, relationship, to accept and not repeat if ever a mistake has happened, sexual satisfaction, to appreciate wife always like a flower, to keep happiest and respectable relations with in-laws by husband and wife and vice versa, to believe that anger is no solution while understanding and communication at the right time and in right words are the best 'solution, to believe and do all to ensure that PEACE is the foundation for love, progress, also most important is to understand that COUPLE'S BEHAVIOUR, HAPPINESS AND TRUTHFULNESS ARE THE MORAL FORCE FOR THE CHILDREN TO SHAPE THEM AT LARGE AS THE COUPLE WISHES FOR, HENCE LIES AND BETRAYALS ARE THE WORST ENEMIES WHICH SPREAD GENERALLY QUICKLY AND UNNOTICED AND FIND THE COUPLE IN REGRETS WHEN THE CHILDREN GET GROWN. The question some couples and individuals pose, are they meant whole of their life for SACRIFICE TO THEMSELVES AND FOR THE CHILDREN, then where does go their independence and freedom. I think, they believe so as they perhaps have not experienced what are advantages of marriage, how the couple needs to LIVE A HAPPY LIFE EVEN AT THE COST OF INDIVIDUAL HAPPINESS, which is the cost which one pays and has to be ready to pay to lead a married life for satisfaction, happiness, progress and to have one's own family. Sometime it is said that children do not shape up as the parents want despite their sacrifice and moral force. True, it happens in exceptional cases, those too, I think perhaps the parents did not give enough time to be with children, watch their activities, have failed to analyse the faculties and abilities of their children one by one, in such cases GUIDANCE is also equally important to motivate the children, not just the sacrifice or be with the children. tks FAMILY PROBLEMS : 11th step. OLD AGE IS BLISS, CURSE, FULL OF PROBLEMS TO SETTLE OR NEGLECT, CHOICE IS LEFT TO EACH INDIVIDUALHIMSELF/HERSELF; (1) old age creates problems of no work, health deterioration, loneliness and depression, getting sick of everyone especially of family, grumbling and regretting on past actions, behaviours, decisions, deceits and wrongs done - what for and why if this situation was to happen (2) it is also a bliss if one has learnt to remain busy with one's likes, has created enough means to live by comfortably, has maintained good health with least dependence on others, rare or no hospitalisation, has a company of good friends, has groomed children to be respectful to each other and the parents, both members of the couple have reached a good understanding to move out and spend their time in vocations, bobbies or company they enjoy and be at home at the beck and call of each other to spend in and outside, live in harmony, in pleasant communication and discussions, overlooking and avoiding the past regrets (3) to cultivate an attitude of UNDERSTANDING WITH EACH OTHER, EQUALLY AND MOST IMPORTANT TO HAVE EQUATION AND UNDERSTANDING WITH CHILDREN, BE BENEVOLENT AND GENEROUS, IF NOT BY DOLING OUT GIFTS AND RESOURCES TO OTHERS, BUT NECESSARY BY LISTENING, GUIDING AND SOLVING PROBLEMS OF OTHERS (4) learn to DIVEST AS MUCH PERHAPS OF ALL RESPONSIBILITIES AS ONE THINKS AND CAN AFFORD (5) own responsibility and take decision on all counts especially with regard to business, assets etc. and do his/her best not to leave anything which could give rise to ill-will and conflicts amongst the children (5) create a mission or associate with some associations not only to remain busy but also let his/her experience, with solutions, to spread over to the society at large but do ensure not to tire oneself, rather to enjoy, remain busy and derive happiness with the time spent. IN CONCLUSION; old age is a bliss for those who develop will to do, take action according, develop attitude to be HAPPY WITH THE PRESENT AND IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES ONE IS, ESSENTIALLY ALSO TO DIVEST ONESELF OF MAXIMUM OF RESPONSIBILITIES AND SETTLE ALL OR MOST OF THE CONFLICTING GROUNDS etc. etc AND THOSE WHO DO NOT LEARN FROM PAST AND PRESENT, DO NOT CHANGE TO THE CHANGED ENVIRONMENTS AND CIRCUMSTANCES, LIVE IN REGRETS IN BELIEF THAT EVERYONE IS SELFISH TO ONE'S INTEREST, ASSOCIATING WITH THEM WILL BE FURTHER HARMFUL ETC. ETC. SHALL LIVE ALONE IN MISERIES AND REPENTANCE. WAITING FOR THE END THE EARLIEST THAN TO LIVE IN MISERIES. Hence to spend old age in BLISS OR IN MISERIES, is the choice which each one takes in the cirumstances one is, experiences of the past one has gained, lives in past and avoids to face the present or the one has learnt to adjust with all these as a natural process of life, THUS ACCEPTANCE OF CHANGE TURNS INTO BLISS AND STICKING TO PAST AND REGRETTING OVER THE PRESENT SHAPES UP IN CURSE AND MISERIES. I believe and shall advise all the seniors to CHANGE AND ADJUST WITH THE PRESENT AS IT COMES ABOUT. TKS   FAMILY PROBLEMS; 12th step: 1. life is to live, enjoy, progress and be happy while those who live in regrets, curse their destiny, the environments, caste and family born in, get dissipated by failures, discrimination, torture etc. (2) there is no doubt some are born with INBORN QUALITIES, FACULTIES ETC. which make one conscious and curious to get his/her way to make the best use of these but many fail to exploit for lack of zeal or get discouraged to face the odds they encounter but THOSE WHO HAVE THE WILL AND COURAGE DO FIND THEIR WAY AND SUCCEED WHAT THEY WISH FOR AND FEEL CONFIDENT THAT THEY ARE BORN FOR AND BUILT FOR TO FACE ODD AND CONDITION THEMSELVES FOR THE BETTER (3) however it does not mean that only those with inborn qualities succeed and not those who DO THE LEARNING, GAIN EXPERIENCE AND LEARN HOW BEST TO USE THE ACQUIRED FACULTIES and in general we find such persons supersede those with inborn qualities (4) SHINE THOSE WHO HAVE INBORN QUALITIES AND COMBINE THESE WITH ACQUIRED QUALITIES AND ABILITIES. (5) REGRETS SERVE NO USE AND INSTEAD LEAD TO DESTRUCTION in the same manner as if a plant is given hot water, it will dry up, likewise REGRETS WILL PUMP IN THE BODY AND THOUGHTS, DISCOURAGEMENT and perhaps to think that why to live and what use it will serve EXCEPT THOSE WHO BELIEVE AND SUBMIT THEMSELVES TO DESTINY and feel content in the circumstances they are in and we find MASSES are of this thinking and belief and are made to believe as such. CONCLUSION; life is to live, feel positive, abandon regrets and believe that these will bring harm than any good as the reality is as one is already in, struggle,,take courage, believe that answer is always there, what one needs is to analyse and search answer out of various options, remain firm and undaunted by failures if any and/or frequent obstacles and remain ALWAYS STAUNCH BELIEVER THAT I AM THE ANSWER TO ALL PROBLEMS( I assure you with such persons regrets and repentance, even failures have no place). at the same time it is essential that in order to attain material comforts, one needs to work hard, progress, learn and manage to lead a HAPPY MARRIED LIFE (to make the best of what one is even if the choice is not as good as what one had wished for and perhaps in not coherent, to believe that when I can take work in office from colleagues with different attitudes, feelings, grudges and also manage to go along with the wishes and liking of the BOSS, then why should I fail at house, and instead what is needed is to observe what the wife wishes, what are her manners and likings, learn to communicate, adjust and if still need be, TO CHANGE AND MOULD MYSELF rather than expecting of her to do what I like or in the manner I want. UNITY OF FAMILY and HAPPINESS IN AND OUT ARE ESSENTIAL AND ARE THE FOUNDATION FOR PROGRESS, SATISFACTION AND ENJOYMENT, STAUNCH BELIEVERS BECOME THE WINNER while many fail, learn to live life as it is while a small section of society live in regrets,lead their life in miseries and in extreme some decide to end it. SLOGAN; BE BRAVE, LEARN TO LIVE BETTER, TO LIVE HAPPY AND IF NOT, AT LEAST SATISFIED, TAKE TO COMPETITION AS PROGRESS AND DEVELOPMENT NEVER AS JEALOUSY OR DESTRUCTION OF THE COMPETITOR, BELIEVE AND REMAIN CONFIDENT AS A WINNER ALWAYS. in brief life is to live and live happy and in enjoyment. tks