IF RELATIONS BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE GO SOAR BITTER AND BROKEN TO SUCH AN EXTENT, THAT THERE DOESN’T SEEM RETURN IN ANY MANNER WHATSOEVER EFFORTS ARE MADE, THEN WHAT IS THE ANSWER, IS THE BIGGEST QUESTION, WHICH NEEDS AN ANSWER. ANSWERS; 1. first and foremost is to analyse what went wrong and and what are those causes which have created wounds so hard and deep, that there doesn’t seem any return. 2. once the causes are analysed, it gets essential to check whether these are due to ego, jealousies, suspicion, respective families problems, change to habits and association, having got entangled with someone else in personal interests and perhaps for happiness etc. 3. perhaps these are not there except that one or both are adamant and want the other partner to go by silently and obediently what the 1st partner is saying. 4. sometime properties, assets also pose an unreturnable problem 5. children and relations how to behave, both differ, dispute and fight to claim that he/she is right and there is no reason o get to compromise. NO DOUBT THAT ALL SUCH HAPPENINGS ARE NOT ONLY DISTURBING ONES BUT WITH ALL LIKELIHOOD, THESE TEND AND LEAD TO A BREAK, RESULTING IN ACCUSATIONS AND DRAGGING EACH ONE INTO THE COURTS ETC. I THINK AND REFLECT AS TO WHAT GAIN ALL SUCH ISSUES CITED ABOVE BRING IN LIFE, COULD THERE NOT BE COMPROMIS, UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTANCE OF EACH OTHER AS EACH ONE IS. IN REPLY I FEEL FIRST AND MOST IMPORTANT IS TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP, TRUST IN GOAL AS TO WHY BOTH GOT MARRIED WHETHER THAT GOAL IS ACCOMPLISHED AND AS SUCH THERE IS NO NEED TO TOLERATE AND ACCEPT EACH OTHER AND LIVE IN REGRETFUL SITUATION ALWAYS OR IN THE MEANTIME EGO IN ONE OR BOTH HAS GOT CEMENTED AND THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO CONCEDE AND TOLERATE IN ANY MANNER. THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT THESE ARE THE REALITIES OF LIFE AND ARE THE HAPPENINGS OF EVERY DAY ALMOST IN EACH AND EVERY COUPLE IN ONE FORM OR THE OTHER. IT MAY HAPPEN IN SOME IN THE EARLY STAGES WHILE IN OTHERS AT A LATER STAGE, THERE IS NO DOUBT HONEY MOON LUST GETS REDUCED SLOWLY AND SLOWLY AND MOST OF THE ABOVE CITED ISSUES OVERTAKE THE SO-CALLED LUST OF LOVE. WHEN SUCH A SITUATION HAPPENS, WISDOM IS WASHED OFF -3- EGO, JEALOURSIES, ACCUSATIONS, FIGHTS TAKE THEIR TURN AND BECOME MOST IMPORTANT IN EXACTING REVENGE BY ALL MEANS. NOW THE QUESTION ARISES, AS TO WHAT SHOULD BE DONE SO THAT SUCH A SITUATION DOES NOT HAPPEN: IN REPLY IT IS ESSENTIAL: 1. ESSENTIAL TO REFLECT AS TO WHAT SHALL I GAIN BY SUCH A BEHAVIOUR OF EGO, SELF ESTEEM, REMAINING ADAMANT AND FORCING THE PARTNER TO ACCEPT MYSELF AS I AM, ACCEPT WHAT I THINK, HOW I BEHAVE, IN WHAT SORT OF FREEDOM I WANT TO LIVE IN AND ENJOY. 2. IF AT ALL I DECIDE TO BREAK, COULD I EVER MANAGE TO LIVE ALONE AND REMAIN HAPPY, IF NOT, AT LEAST BETTER THAN THE PRESENT ONE. 3. IF NOT, IS THERE ANY CERTAINTY, THAT THE 2ND WILL BE BETTER THAN THE PRESENT ONE. 4. HOW WILL I FACE THE SOCIETY, FAMILY, AND HOW MUCH I WILL BE VULNERABLE TO EXPLOITATION WHILE BEING ALONE. MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL THESE, IT NEEDS TO SIT ALONE, PUT ONESELF IN A CALM MOOD AND ATMOSPHERE TO THINK AS TO BY ALL SUCH ATTITUDES AND BEHAVIOUS CITED ABOVE WHAT HAVE I GAINED, THE ANSWER IN MOST OF THE CASES WILL COME ABOUT: 1. LOSS OF HEALTH 2. AFFECTING AND DISTURBING THE LIFE OF THE CHILDREN 3. DISTURBING THE FAMILY, ETC. ETC. 4. SHOULD I NOT ACCEPT THE SITUATION AS IT IS AS MY DESTINY AND DO ALL TO MANAGE WITH IT. 5. WHY SHOULD I FORCE MY PARTNER TO MOULD HIMSELF/HERSELF AS I WANT WHAT RIGHT I HAVE GOT TO DICTATE MY COURSE OF ACTION AND THINING, WHY SHOULDN’T I MOULD MYSELF TO ADJUST WITH MY PARTNER. 6. HAVE WITH SUCH A BEHAVIOUR I GAINED ANYTHING, PERHAPS NOTHING, EXCEPT EGO, MY SELF ESTEEM, MY DIGNITY, AND IN CONSEQUENCE, I HAVE LOST NOT ONLY ALL HAPPINESS BUT HAVE GOT ENGAGED AND ENTANGLED IN WORRIES AND WORIES OF ALL SORTS, NO INTEREST IN WORK, NO INTEREST IN MEETING AND ENJOYING WITH OTHERS. TENDING TO REMAIN ALOOF TO MYSELF ETC. IN FACT. SUCH A SITUATION IS FACED BY MOST OF THE EMBITTERED PARTNER, BUT WHAT STOPS THEM NOT TO ENGAGE IN DIALOGUE, THE MAIN CAUSE REMAINS EGO AND IF SUCH AN INITIATIVE I TAKE, I WILL ALWAYS BE MADE TO ACCEPT WHATEVER MY PARTNER WILL SAY AND TAKE MY INITIATIVE AS MY WEAKNESS AND SHALL EXPLOIT ME THE MOST, CREATING PERHAPS WORST CONDITION THAN IT IS AT PRESENT. HOW TO TACKLE SUCH A SITUATION. I SHALL GET INTO ANSWERS IN MY NEXT WRITE-UP. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. Written by vasdevloond,founder of marriage guidance new concept, cost free marriage bureau, Vasdevloond can be available and contacted at 9811943867 vasdeviiibd@gmailcom -2- IF RELATIONS BETWEEN THE HUSBAND AND WIFE GO SOAR, BITTER AND BROKEN TO SUCH AN EXTENT, THAT THERE DOESN’T SEEM RETURN IN ANY MANNER. IN FOLLOW UP OF MY EARLIER WRITE UP IN WHICH MOST OF THE ANSWERS HAVE BEEN GIVEN, HOWSOEVER STILL THERE A FEW WHICH I WOULD LIKE ADDRESS IN THIS WRITE UP FOR THE BENEFIT OF MY FRIENDS AND DEAR READERS; 1. TIME HAS CHANGED AND SO HAVE CHANGED THE ATTITUDES OF THE GIRLS WHILE MAN HAS NOT CHANGED SO QUICKLY AS THE GIRLS WANT, MOSTLY AS PER THE REQUIREMENTS AND ASPIRATIONS OF THE WORKING GIRLS. QUESTION ARISES WHO SO AND WHY THE BOY IS NOT CHANGING HIS ATTITUDUE AND BEHAVIOUR ESPECIALLY HE IS OPTING FOR A WORKING GIRL: 1. GENDER BIAS, WILLINGLY, UNWILLINGLY, OR HIDDEN ONE WHICH FLARES UP WITH A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING AND/OR SMALL DISAGREEMENT. 2. NOT UNDERSTANDING AND REALISING THAT HIS WORKING LIFE WILL BE FACING THE SAME BURDEN OF OFFICE WORK TRAVEL ETC., WILL BE MORE OR LESS EQUAL EARNING PARTNER, SHE NEEDS AND INSISTS THAT HER HUSBAND WILL BE A FULL PARTICIPANT IN SHARING ALL RESPONSIBILITIES TOWARDS HOUSEHOLD AND TO HANDLE WITH HIS FAMILY IN PREFERENCE FOR HIS WIFE, IF EVER MISUNDERSTANDINGS AND CONFLICTS BY HIS FAMILY MEMBERS TAKE PLACE. 3. HE LACKS TO GIVE DUE RESPECT TO HIS INLAWS AND INFLUENCED MOSTLY BY HIS FAMILY. 4. BEING IN JOINT FAMILY, IT IS UNFORTUNATE, EVEN IF HE WANTS TO SHARE RESPONSIBILITIES WITH HIS WIFE AND/OR TO BE WITH HIS WIFE FOR SOME TIME AFTER COMING FROM OFFICE, FULLY TIRED BY WORK IN OFFICE ,HURDLES AND LONG DISTANCE TRAVEL FATIGUE/TIREDNESS ETC. 5. HER HUSBAND’S PARENTS WANT TO KEEP A COMMANDING ROLE ON THEIR DAUGHTER IN-LAW AND WANT THEIR SON TO ENJOY ALL COMFORTS BY THEM AND ESPECIALLY HIS WIFE AND IN GENERAL FEEL THAT IT IS THEIR SON WHO HAS COME TIRED FROM HIS WHOLEDAY WORK IN OFFICE, AND NOT THAT THEY THINK ABOUT HIS SON’S WIFE. 6. GENERALLY IN THE MIDDLE CLASS FAMILIES IT IS BELIEVE THAT THEIR SON DOES NOT ALLOW TOO MUCH LIBERTY TO HIS WIFE, AS OTHERWISE SHE WILL START DISCTATING HIM FOR ALL HER NEEDS AND REQUIREMENTS. ANSWER TO ALL QUESTIONS AND LIMITATION, I THINK AND BELIEVE THAT MICRO UNIT IS THE BEST ANSWER, WHEREIN THE HUSBAND AND WIFE LIVE TOGETHER THERE IS NO INERFERENECE FROM ANY MEMBER OF BOTH THE FAMILIES NOT THERE IS ANY PRIVY AND HESITATION IN SHARING ALL THE NEEDS OF THE HOUSE IN COOKING, WASHING, CLEANING, ARRANGING THE HOUSEHOLDS PROPERLY ETC. ETC. RATHER IT HELPS WILLINGING TO UNDERSTAND THE BURDERN OF EACH OTHER AND SHARE WHAT IS TO BE DONE, IS SHARED AND IS DONE GLADLY. -4- THOUGH MICRO UNIT HELPS BETTER THE HAUSAND AND WIFE TO ADJUST THAN BEING IN THE JOINT FAMILY, STILL WE FIND THAT CONFLICTS BETWEEN HUSBAND AND WIFE ARE ON THE RISE AND SO ARE THE DIVORCES. HENCE THE QUESTION ARISES AS TO WHAT ARE THE REASONS AND WHOW THIS TREND COULD NOT ONLY BE HALTED BUT INSTEAD HELPS IN STRENGTHENING THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE TO LAST FOR LIFE LONG IN HAPPY AND LOVING TOGETHERNESS. MAIN REASONS SEEM TO BE; 1. SOCIETY IS STILL DOMINATED BY MAN, HIS PHYSIQUE, HIS FREE MOVEMENT ETC. ACCEPTS AND TREATS HIM AS A LEADER AND COMMANDER IN SOCIAL LIFE AS COMPARED TO ONE’S WIFE, WHO IS EXPECTED TO FOLLOW, IF NOT THAT, AT LEAST BE SUPPORTIVE OF HER HUSBAND, NEVER DARE OR TRY TO CONTRADICT HIM IN ANY MANNER. 2. UNFORTUNATELY AT PRESENT IT IS NOT HAPPENING DUE TO WOMEN EMPOWERMENT 2. STUDYING AND LIVING AS EQUAL IN SCHOOLS, COLLEGES, UNIVERSITIES, IN DAILY LIFE AS FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES AND EVEN IN KNOWN AND UNKNOWN ONES. 3. MARRIAGE DEMANDS COHABITATION TO LIVE AND LOVE EACH OTHER NEVER TO THINK OF EQUALITY BUT TO ENJOY LIFE AS A MARRIED COUPLE TO STRENGTHEN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. MAKE ALL EFFORTS TO PROGRESS. BRING UP THEIR CHILDREN TO LEARN AND ABIDE BY THE VALUES AND PRINCIPLES OF THEIR PARENTS, ETC. ETC. 4. PARENTS ARE EXPECTED TO BE DUTY BOUND TO EXEMPLIFY THEMSELVES AS MORAL AND LOVE BUILDING COUPLE FOR THEIR CHILDREN, WHICH UNFORTUNATELY IS NOT HAPPENING AND THAT HAS BECOME ONE OF THE MAJOR CAUSE OF CONFLICT BETWEEN THE YOUNG COUPLES 5. SINCE THE WOMAN FORCE IS ALSO TAKING TO ALL DUTIES, RESPONSIBILITIES, DECISION TAKING LIKE MEN, THE WOMAN FOLK AS SUCH NOT ONLY EXPECTS BUT DARES TO EXERT TO BE TREATED AS EQUAL, WHICH IS IN TRANSITION BUT HAS A LONG WAY TO GO WHEN PERHAPS THIS DESIRE OF WOMANFOLK WILL BE FULFILLED. 6. I THINK IT COULD GET TO MORE AND MORE TOLERANCE AND ACCEPTANCE BUT NEVER IN TOTAL ABANDONMENT, DUE TO MAN’S PHYSICAL POWER AND CONTRARY TO THIS, WOMAN LOVES TO BEAR A CHILD AND ASSUMES HER BEING WITH THE CHILD AS SOME SORT OF SECURITY FOR HERSELF AS ALSO IN SOCIAL LIFE. THUS DURING HER PREGNANCY SHE HAS TO DEPEND NECESSARILY ON SOMEONE, HUSBAND BEING THE 1ST WHILE PARENTS ETC. AS THE 2ND ONES. THIS DEPENDENCE DOES CREATE SOME SORT OF WEAKNESS OF THE WOMAN AND EXHIBITS STRENGTH OF MAN, HOWSOEVER LITTLE IT MAY BE, BUT IT DOES EXIST AND IT IS A FACT AS WELL.. 7. HAVING SAID THAT, LET IT NOT BE ASSUMED BY MAN THAT HE IS SUPERIOR TO WOMAN FOR SIMPLE REASON 1. MAN IS A SOCIAL BEING AND AS SUCH CANNOT LIVE ALONE, HE/SHE NEEDS A COMPANY OF SOMEONE, AND IN THAT SEX AND LOVE BECOME THE ALIGNING GOAL, HENCE BOTH OPPOSITE GENDERS COME TOGETHER AND LIVE IN THE FORM OF MARRIAGE AS A MARRIED COUPLE, WHICH NECESSARILY NEEDS AN UNDERSTANDING AND ACCEPTING OF EACH OTHER AS EACH ONE IS 8. BOTH BOY AND GIRLS LEARN TO ARGUE, EXPLAIN AND INSIST FOR THEIR IDEA WHICH DOES NOT HAPPEN WHEN THEY GET MARRIED WHEREIN THEY DO NOT REALISE THAT IN SCHOOLS AND COLLEGES EACH ONE WAS AS INDIVIDUAL WITH INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM, BUT WHEN MARRIED, THAT INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM NEEDS TO BE CHANGED, CONVERTED INTO TOLERANCE AND ACCEPTANCE AS A SOURCE OF STRENGTH TO LIVE IN TOGETHERNESS AS A MARRIED COUPLE. HENCE IN ANSWER TO SUCH A BEHAVIOUR LIES IN 1. PRE-EDUCATION AND GUIDANCE 2. PARENTS OWN MORAL BUILDING BEHAVIOUR 3. TEACHING AND BRINGING IN EXAMPLES THAT LIVING ALONE IS NOT AN EASY ONE, RATHER NOT ONLY THAT IT TAKES AWAY HEPPINESS, BUT TENDS ALSO TO LONELINESS AND DEPRESSION SOONER OR LATER. 4. IT IS THEREFORE ESSENTIAL THAT THERE MUST BE SYLLABUS IN HIGHER CLASSES IN COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES OF MARRIAGE AS TO WHAT IT MEANS, WHY IT IS IMPORTANAT, WHAT ARE ITS FAULTS AND WHAT ARE ITS GAINS. 5. INSTITUTIONS NEED TO BE SET FOR THE PARENTS TO EXPLAIN TO THEM AS TO HOW THEY ARE TO LIVE AS A COUPLE AND HOW THEY HAVE TO BEHAVE WITH THEIR CHILDREN ETC. 6. SOCIAL ORGANISATIONS MUST ALSO STEP IN TO EXPLAIN THE VALUE OF MARRIAGE AND HOW TO LEAD IT TO LOVINGLY MARRIED LIFE. 7. PHILANTHROPISTS AND GOVERNMENT ARE TO GO IN TO GIVE GRANTS TO SUCH INSTITUTIONS, SOCIAL ORGANISATIONS ETC. NEXT WILL BE IF CONFLICTS DO NOT STOP, AND PERHAPS ARE LEADING TOWARDS BREAKING RELATIONS AND END UP RELATIONSHIP BY DIVORCE, WHAT SHOULD BE THE ROLE OF THE PARENTS AND HOW THEY SHOULD BEHAVE. …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….. envisioned by vasdevloond, to contact at 9811943867 vasdevloond@gmail.com